This week The Dyke and The Fag take on Lady Gaga's new video featuring Beyonce. They both agreed that the video is great, but the story needed some work. After hours of deliberation, they have written what they both see as their "opus"-until next week that is.
In a time when money is scarce and communication is priceless, Lady Gaga and Beyonce come to terms with paying the 'Telephone Bill'.
"After the last Bill, I had to start turning tricks to pay the Telephone bill. Sure, I could save money by not compulsively voting on American Idol. But if I did that, I wouldn't need a phone."
I can't even remember the amount of money I lost voting for Taylor Hicks. He probably won because of my votes.
"Big Tony? I got caught turning tricks again. I thought soda cans in my hair would make look inconspicuous. 'The Man' won this round... Oh, and tell The Fonz it'll be a bit longer til he gets his jacket."
"Big Tony" is my nickname for the dick that I don't have.
I went to reform school.
"In an act of cruel and unusual punishment, I've been sentenced to 1 year in the WNBA.
Which stands for We Need B.A:
"Alright Bitches, Lets do this."
I'm praying we finish this before my hair starts on fire.
"Great, straight to the bench."
This, ladies and gentleman will be the one and only time you will see a "daddy" wearing a thong.
"This is enough. I can't be towel girl for another day. I'm gonna disguise myself as Madonna on "Who's That Girl?" Once they realize how horribly Awesome the 80's movie I'm referencing was they'll let me out. It's fool proof"
Some prisoners dig tunnels. I bedazzled my bra.
"I'm planning an escape! I said 'NO CALLS'!"
I especially don't want to have to have a conversation about escaping when I'm standing so Effin' close to her
"You used the money for my Telephone Bill to post bail. This is a real bitter-sweet moment for me."
Wait, WHAT did you say? I can't hear you for the Coors can in my ear. I thought it was garage glamorous and went so well with my bedazzler!
"Excellent. I don't need to turn tricks to pay my Phone Bill anymore... My Madonna impression worked like a charm. Next stop, New York to empty out Madonna bank account"
Well, ok, I'll turn one more trick for the chick behind me. She doesn't look like much, but she's got mad skills.
"My ride better have a good reason for being late. This hat's resemblance to a clam is making the scary lesbians want to attack me."
I'm posing to scare them off.
"My Phone was turned off so you can get outta jail, Bitch!"
Also, bitch, this is the last time you make me drive Jimmy Bob's favorite pick-up just to impress your fellow inmates.
"Don't worry Big Tony, I have a plan to extort millions using my flawless Madonna impression and a fake ID."
I ain'tcho dick.
"Madonna?.... Is that bitch still alive?"
She owes me money for that last album of her's I bought. Ray of Light? More like Ray of I need to take a nap and let someone younger do this shit for me.
"Sort of, Her body still walks around but her soul left years ago. Kinda like 'Weekend at Bernie's'... Either way, her publicist still tells everyone she's alive so her bank accounts are still open."
The account number is 2311 and her password is Lourdes.
"This better work. I'm tired of sending smoke signals to my other Hoes. My ass needs a Telephone."
Your ass needs a stair master, but we can get a telephone darling, just leave it all up to me.
"Don't worry, It'll work. We just need a fake ID and you know what that means.... We have to talk to Honey."
But honey is so September 10th
are you sure she can do this?
"Hi Mariah Carey, Thanks for meeting me. I need a fake ID, again."
Quit calling me Mariah Carey, I scream for your pleasure!
"This was a brilliant idea to pretend to be Drag Queens to insure we can get to New York quickly."
[a real lesbian would never be caught dead with a table cloth on her head]
"Yes, pretend to be..."
[even if she was as hot as beyonce]
"After spending all this time with you, I've come to realize I don't need a phone as long as I have you."
"...do you think American Idol will take smoke signals?"
As long as the smoke glitters baby.
fuckin insane
ReplyDelete